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The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby Schnauzer » Tue Nov 22, 2011 7:52 pm

CBBB wrote:I just can't can't be arsed to read Scnauzer's posts, so much effort for so little reward.



I do wonder if you are prone to 'Stutter' (judging by the above) or possibly the 'Ecstasy' of your being 'Arsed' (by whoever) had the effect of making you wobble a little while you were typing, Ah, but THAT would not explain why you could not even remember to spell my username correctly........................... but then again,perhaps it might. :lol:
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby RichardB » Tue Nov 22, 2011 8:41 pm

GreekIslandGirl wrote:
B25 wrote:I like them, its like reading a book :)

Schnauzer, write a book mate!!!!


I agree. :D I turn to Schnauzer's posts when I have a cup of coffee and can settle down for a nice read without having to scroll down the screen continually for the one-liners. This one is very funny and you have to beware your sipping. :)



Ditto here, probably the best reads on forum at the moment usually very sharp and witty with a sting in the tale
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby Schnauzer » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:53 pm

My thanks to B25, GreekIslandGirl and RichardB (thus far) who have indicated that they are equipped with an acceptable degree of good grace in matters of 'Humour'

I am one who has learned to 'Bear the Whip' without complaint from quite a few on this forum (particularly 'miltiades') :lol: who are well aware that I am particularly averse to 'Obloquoy'... I must inform you that seldom (if ever) will I degrade my own 'Credo' by responding in kind.

I am also sceptical of praise BUT, I confidently accept that the three members (above) who have made their opinions known, do so out of a genuine regard for that which they know I seek to convey in many of my posts.

To such members I am sincerely grateful.

Old 'Miltiades' often tried to get the better of me in the past, "HE MET HIS MATCH" and now hides in the company of strangers in another 'Forum'.... "AFRAID TO FACE HIS MASTER" (perhaps ?) :wink:

To RicharB, your comment about the 'Sting in the Tail' is quite appropriate since I AM a 'Scorpio' as is (I believe) B25. :wink:
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby Schnauzer » Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:49 pm

Further to the matter of Isaac Koch's 'Trial', it was unable to proceed since Isaac reported that he was not in the best of health ( complaining about stomach cramps) and has requested that an alternative date should be fixed.

His request, (reluctantly granted) was met with a great deal of disapproval by many of the 'Elders' since such an extraordinary meeting was difficult to arrange, particularly since some of those in attendance travelled quite a distance to put in their appearance.

However, in order to make full use of the facilities afforded them by the 'Local Authorities', it was agreed that an 'In Depth' examination of Isaac Koch's behaviour (outside of the matter which prompted the 'Trial') should be conducted in his absence, the result of which revealed SEVERAL misdemeanours and will have to be addressed in conjunction with the original issue.

Jack N'Dany (the Zimbabwean Gentleman) referred to a recent discussion he had with Isaac and indicated that he was somewhat taken aback by the content of such discussion, it would appear that Isaac had been carefully perusing the newspapers and was keenly interested in the 'Political Manoeuvrings' of President Robert Mugabe (of Zimbabwe) who had been so warmly entertained by those in positions of authority in China, when pressed for an explanation about his interest, Isaac immediately responded by suggesting that both he and Jack could greatly profit were they to organize a 'Smuggling' enterprise in the 'Diamond Fields' of Zimbabwe.

Jack reported that he informed Isaac that he could not countenance such a dishonest idea, it was an extremely dangerous and 'Life Threatening' proposal, the risks of which greatly outweighed the benefits.

"Not so" was the response from Isaac Koch, "It will not be US that will be doing the smuggling, we can employ some of the locals and THEY can take the risks, all YOU have to do because you speak the language, is set up the team in Zimbabwe, MY job will be to distribute the goods and sort out the wages for the team, I tell you Jack, there are BILLIONS to be made if WE play our cards right".

Jack did not report the matter to the 'Elders' immediately, he felt that it would be better to keep the matter under wraps until the 'Easter Fair', at which time MOST of 'The Brotherhood' would be in attendance and he could expose the 'Rat in the Pack' at THAT time.

Jack's revelations were met with a stunned silence (apparently) every aspect of Isaac Koch's suggestions are in absolute violation of the 'Code of Conduct' of 'The Brotherhood', furthermore, it would appear that some of the other 'Elders' were holding back certain details regarding Isaac Koch which they also were saving for the 'Easter Fair' assembly of 'The Brotherhood.

As Isaac Koch once famously said " I don't know which is best, whether to be 'King of the Schnorrers' or to be a 'Schnorrer among Kings", well Isaac ("Me Ole' Son" as Jimmy would say), you will find out soon enough and I personally don't think it will be much fun. :wink:
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby Schnauzer » Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:26 pm

Ah but the wiles of Isaac Koch are legion my friends and in the vain hope of easing GR's toothache, I will now relate to you the latest developments in the case of the 'Sickly One' (Isaac Koch).

During the period of his absence and not wishing to waste the pleasure of being in each others company, the 'Elders' embarked upon a mission of discovery and full investigation regarding Isaac Koch's behaviour, furthermore,they sought to establish just what his 'Motives' might be since (a) his apparent lack of certainty about his own ambitions relevant to "Schnorrers and Kings" and (b) his persistent infringement of the codes of conduct expected of members of 'The Brotherhood', suggested that he must have an ulterior objective.

Now, 'The Brotherhood' has existed in very close harmony for many years, each member has always been particularly aware of the 'Limits' to their assigned 'Boundaries' (in terms of individual survival) and there has NEVER been any conflict of interests between any one of the 'Elders'.

Each 'Elder' is responsible for the well being of those who operate within the jurisdiction of his territory and annual meetings are held at the 'Easter Fair' where, generally, any problems (if any) are dealt with.

'Jimmy Light' is the 'Superior Elder' and ALL decisions are subject to his approval, there has never been any question of his authority and furthermore, there is never likely to be (while he lives) for such is the 'Code'.

It has been discovered that Isaac Koch has systematically approached EVERY 'Elder' (at one time or another) with various schemes which would be beneficial to the individual rather than 'The Brotherhood' and has received a rebuff on EVERY occasion, his reaction to such rebuffs apparently did not deter him from applying himself to other members who were NOT 'Elders', indeed, it would appear that Isaac Koch is totally without scruples and has scant regard for those 'Codes of Conduct' required (and strictly adhered to) of every member (at whatever level), his dismissal is obviously the only option for the 'Elders'.

But not before his 'Crimes' have been fully examined, his 'Motives' revealed and his 'Objectives' made clear, this disreputable leech, this dishonourable blot on the manuscript of integrity that is 'The Brotherhood' this filthy scheming 'Shylock' who now writhes (or so he declares) in the grip of some obscure malady which has conveniently beset him lest he should face his judges.

And where was this unscrupulous 'Cur' whilst the 'Football Match' was in progress ?., why scheming of course, he had furtively approached the 'Reporter' of the match and purposely confused the chap in identifying the players, he singled out Jack N'dany and Argowan Kizmyers knowing that a little confusion might help him when his 'Schemes' were revealed, hoping that the two 'Brothers' would fall into dispute over the matter of the foul.

Fortunately, his deception has been spotted and the purpose of it added to the long list of his misdemeanours, the snidey little 'Rat'

A new date HAS been fixed for his trial BUT, before such trial commences, as is the custom of such extraordinary meetings, the scurrilous little 'Gob-shite' will be given an opportunity to defend his position, hopefully he will be in better health soon, better that is than the 'Health' he will be in if he is found to be guilty of his miserable underhanded, dishonest despicable actions.............but let us NOT prejudge him............... the nasty horrible little wretch. :wink:
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby kurupetos » Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:59 pm

The socks are staying on tonight. :wink:
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby Schnauzer » Thu Dec 01, 2011 8:19 am

"T'is many the frosty night that I have lain huddled and shivering in an almost fetal position with my frozen hands clasped tightly between my thighs for the benefit of the little warmth such posture may afford me, t'is oft I have suffered the cruel hardship of walking barefoot along the snow covered plains that are the 'Hem' of the dress which adorns the 'Mountains of Mourne' in winter's grasp, yet knowing that beneath the snow the grass will be thrusting forth to embrace the new season and clothe the land in 'Green' again.

Oh for 'Two Pairs' of the socks of 'kurupetos' at such times, one pair for the feet and the other to serve as makeshift mittens for the frozen hands of a 'True Son' of the land where 'Heroes Fell' and 'Poets Dwell'.!"

Thus spake 'Pug Mahone' as he rose to address his 'Brother Elders' when his name was mentioned during a discussion concerning Isaac Koch's approaches to Mustafa J'Arfa (the Turk), it would appear that quite recently, even as the first suspicions of Isaac's conduct were under some scrutiny by some of the 'Elders' Isaac had made certain representations to Mustafa in an effort to secure his support in a 'Scam' which would enrich them both (together with any other 'Elder' that would join them) if they were to proceed to the 'Stolen Lands' North of the 'Green Line' in Cyprus.

Mustafa readily accepted a 'Bribe' from Isaac and all would probably have remained in confidence had they not made the serious mistake of attempting to corrupt 'Pug Mahone', not that Pug was too honourable to rise to the 'Bait' of the riches envisaged by Isaac and Mustafa, NAY, t'was the prospect of having to board a 'Flying Machine' that primarily dissuaded Pug, "Jayzus" said Pug "The only travelling I will be doing is when I head for 'Holyhead' and board the ferry which will take me to MY homeland across the 'Irish Sea', from then on, my footsteps, whether they be in soft grass, sand or snow, will trace my path south, beyond the shadow of the 'Mourne Mountains' homeward to beloved 'Monaseed', where the 'Ghosts of fallen Heroes' still wail in the winds which whistle o'er the green fields of O'Hara's domain".

Thus, the treachery of Mustafa J'Arfa was exposed and the 'Elders' were gripped with a great fear that the 'Wiles' of Isaac Koch may have done irreparable damage to the 'Honour Code' of the 'Brotherhood.

Pug Mahone has taken his leave of the proceedings, he has done no wrong and insists that he cannot bear to remain longer in the land of 'The Butcher's Apron', "T'is harsh enough to have to pass through certain parts of my OWN country where the land is blighted and darkened by the presence of a 'Foreign Force', where the ominous 'Apron' declares it's grasp upon it, how then would I prepare myself to venture into the lands of another where 'Foreign Flags' flutter and announce the same offence ?"

Sadly, it would appear that a certain amount of 'Infiltration' has taken place, the 'Honour' of the 'Brotherhood' will be put to the test in the days which lay ahead and there will be much 'Soul Searching' among the many nations represented by the 'Elders' (and there are many more), each will have the opportunity to state their case concerning whatever contact (outside of accepted principles) they have had with Isaac Koch.

It may take time BUT, already one can see signs of the 'Evil' ONE disreputable character can manifest among those whose integrity is beyond reproach. :wink:
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby Schnauzer » Fri Dec 02, 2011 12:26 am

In unison rose two more 'Elders', namely 'Strumento Di Grande' (Italian) and 'Igor Tabigun' (Russian) who both eagerly exposed a rather underhanded suggestion made to them by Isaac which they both declined.

Now 'Strumento Di Grande' is a very popular and highly respected 'Confidant' to the proprietors and staff of almost every Italian restaurant in the London area, his circle of friends extends (with the permission of his peers) beyond the perimeters of his own territory, for such is his popularity.

Isaac Koch knew this well enough and his scheming mind devised a plan to make use of such knowledge.

Rubbish disposal is an expensive and irritating 'Thorn' in the flesh of any 'Food Outlet' or any business that is connected with it, therefore, in the mind of Isaac, there was capital to be made of the situation.

The 'Plan' was as simple as it was dishonest and distasteful BUT, of no consequence to the unscrupulous mind of the 'Planner' Isaac Koch.

Strumento was asked to collect the menus of each restaurant he visited, he was also required to obtain the catalogues of suppliers to those establishments, whether they be 'Food 'Distributors or suppliers of any form of 'Catering Equipment' regardless of whoever they supplied.

Once armed with the necessary 'Paperwork' the operation of the 'Scam' was to be simplicity itself, in the dead of night, the 'Plastic Rubbish Sacks' of other establishments were to be furtively placed in prominent positions outside the 'Selected' premises, certain personal items relevant to the premises were to be placed in the sacks which would serve as an identification as to where the rubbish was sourced, early the next morning, the imposing figure of 'Igor Tabigun', suitably attired and armed with a certain amount of official looking papers, would approach the 'Targeted Establishment' and inform them of the 'Hefty Fine' they faced should the matter be taken to legal recourse.

The usual 'Take' from each establishment would be about £100.00 (depending on the skill of Igor when he suggests that the matter could be dealt with 'Amicably) , all well thought out BUT, falling on deaf ears.

Isaac DID confide in his two intended 'Helpers' that he had considered 'Mustafa J'Arfa' as part of the team but decided he would probably spoil the idea by being too greedy, "Ha!" (that's a good one).

An elderly shopkeeper who specialized in the supply of 'Catering Equipment' (actually once a Cypriot) was to be the 'Guinea Pig' in a 'Feasibility Study' prior to regular operations, it was decided (even at the earliest stages of discussion) that such an idea was impracticable since the 'Old Gent's language' (if he were to be confronted) would be likely to attract so much notice that ALL would probably end up in 'Straitjackets. :lol: :wink:
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby SKI-preo » Fri Dec 02, 2011 4:11 am

Schnauzer, I like your posts whenever I am on hold on the phone at work. They're gettin' better and better. Keep them coming.
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Re: The Trials of 'Isaac Koch'

Postby Schnauzer » Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:22 pm

Upon concluding the account of Isaac's suggestion to both Strumento and Igor, 'Jimmy Light' placed his left hand over his mouth and rested his elbow on the armrests of his chair, he nodded his head thoughtfully and one could see that he was visibly shaken by what he had just heard, such a display of his emotions is quite rare since Jimmy is a most amiable chap under normal circumstances BUT, if roused to anger, he invariably wreaks a terrible vengeance upon those who offend him and since HE will have the final say in whatever the punishment may be inflicted upon Isaac (providing he is deemed to be at fault) the future does not look at all 'Bright' for the wayward scallywag, posing as an asset to the tenets of 'The Brotherhood'.

Next to rise was the imposing figure of 'Fynn Germihoal' (the Norwegian) and he immediately voiced his own concerns relating to the accounts of both Strumento and Igor since they were considered by most of those 'Elders' present, to be men of the highest integrity, that THEY had suffered the indignity of being the target of such an abominable plan envisaged by the accused, had similarly raised a fury in his gentle heart which ALSO might be interpreted as quite alien to his usually pensive nature.

Fynn recounted an experience he had when, in the company of 'Hans Vondering' (his German counterpart), both were approached by Isaac Koch who proposed that they should (all three) embark upon a mission to defraud certain wealthy businessmen who were about to savour the delights of a 'Mini Cruise' to Paris where they would hold a convention.

Now Fynn Germihoal was a seafaring man, he had often sailed on some of the finest 'Clippers' that had ever weighed anchor and set forth o'er the oceans of the world, his knowledge of matters 'Mariner' were of such extent that he could quite easily have 'Captained' the finest ocean going 'Liners' YET, he chose to join the ranks of 'The Brotherhood' since he was aware that the 'Cameraderie' that existed among the 'Brothers' was far in excess of any that he had experienced elsewhere.

Hans Vondering, was a smartly dressed and highly educated 'Ex Diving Instructor' who was also blessed with a great affinity to the sea, which made these two 'Brothers' perfect candidates for the proposed 'Scam' that dwelt in the warped mind of Isaac Koch.

"With 'Nom de Plumes' such as WE have" said Isaac Koch, "THIS scam will be a 'Doddle', for I know that among those businessmen there are at least five that are of a certain 'Sexual Persuasion' and that it would be absolutely devastating for them (in terms of their association with their peers) if such information was to become common knowledge".

Needless to say, the objective would be to engender a compromising situation which would seriously cause embarrassment to the unsuspecting 'Victims' of a carefully (and in all probability successfully) executed series of events, which would reap financial benefits through the medium of 'Blackmail'.

Again, needless to say, Isaac Koch's proposal was met with an immediate rebuff from BOTH 'Brothers' who (as with the other 'Elders'') had it in mind to keep their own counsel until the 'Easter Fair' assembly, at which time, in keeping with procedure, ALL matters of importance relevant to the good standing of any who were members of 'The Brotherhood' were openly discussed.

Jimmy Squirmed in his chair as Fynn concluded his account of the incident and it was quite clear that these revelations were having an affect on his patience, however, Hans Vondering then rose from his seat and revealed an incident which IFynn had omitted to mention, nothing to do with THEIR involvement with that which had just been made known BUT, in a way connected to it.

Coincidentally, on a week-end 'Skiing Trip' (which both Fynn and Hans had attended) they chanced to meet an American businessman and sat down at the same table as he in the 'Club Bar', naturally a conversation took place among them and the subject of 'Poker' was raised which led to the subject of 'Gambling'.

"Oh" said the American, " I learned my lesson about the pitfalls of gambling whilst I was on a 'Mini Cruise' to Paris France" and there followed a most extraordinary tale of woe, even more extraordinary when YOU (the reader) are to be made aware that Isaac Koch, having been thwarted by the rebuff he received from the two worthy 'Brothers', decided to take the trip to Paris on his own, he was in possession of the tickets for the trip and decided not to waste them.

On board, Isaac began mingling with the passengers and, in order to pass time, invited some passengers to play some cards for small stakes. His invitation was accepted by some and frowned upon by others BUT, the Captain of the ship was adamantly opposed to such behaviour and sternly rebuked Isaac.

Isaac countered the Captain's rebuke by suggesting that he (the Captain) was a spoilsport and offered the Captain a wager that he could hardly refuse, "Captain" said Isaac "I am a gambling man and I often lose my bets BUT, I am prepared to bet you £100.00 that you Sir, will be suffering from an attack of 'Haemorrhoid's' by midnight !"........"Good Heavens!" replied the Captain "Such a thing is impossible AND, in order to teach you a lesson, I'LL take your bet".

As midnight approached, Isaac enquired of the Captain whether or not there were any signs of discomfort which might suggest the presence of 'Haemorrhoid's', only to be told that there were not, Isaac insisted that he should be given the opportunity to examine the Captain before parting with the £100.00 and the Captain agreed.

Isaac informed the Captain that he would have to make a quick phone call before they both went to the Captain's cabin and, once inside, the Captain dropped his trousers and presented himself for examination.

At that moment, there was a knock on the cabin door, "Come in!" said Isaac and as soon as the door opened, an American voice declared, "MY God, I've just lost £1000.00, that sneaky little 'Jerk' bet me a grand that he would have his finger up the Captain's arse by midnight!".

Hans ended his story by declaring that THIS incident should NOT be counted against Isaac Koch since it did not involve any other member of 'The Brotherhood' nor did it particularly infringe the 'Code of Conduct' that 'The Brotherhood' insisted should be strictly adhered to, moreover, it demonstrated that there was some virtue in the fact that Isaac was able to 'Join' (as a lower member) since one of the requirements of membership IS, that one should be able to make one's way through life by placing a certain reliance upon one's determination to survive within a society where sometimes it is necessary to act (may we say 'Semi-Dishonestly ?) if there be such category of human behaviour.

Even Jimmy could not conceal a small curvature of humour around his mouth, perhaps THAT was the entire reason for Hans' mention of the incident, to allow Jimmy to regain his usual amiable composure. :wink:
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