"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." -- Yakov Smirnoff
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -- Tim Allen
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." -- Conan O'Brien
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