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[Get Real!]

Shock and awe isn’t limited to the military!

NB: This story is neither happy nor funny... but sad.

One evening at the PostOffice nightclub that I mentioned in a previous post, I met this beautiful petite Italian girl... she was snow-white, blond and very feminine.

She did mention she had two young kids and that she was a single mother.

We hit it off and soon we were dating and everything seemed dandy until one day when she invited me over to her house which was to be my first visit.

She asked if I could come over at around lunch time and meet her kids, and I was OK with that. I travelled a lot to and from customers so I was able to squeeze in this two hour visit.

So off I went and the first thing I noticed was that the house was rather strange... the front door was weird with these huge handles, and then all the rooms inside were fitted with weird stuff but I didn’t think much of it.

So we spent about an hour in the kitchen as she was preparing lunch for the kids who hadn’t arrived yet, and we chatted away and kissed and hugged and all that.

Eventually I heard a bus pull over outside but I had no view of the street from where I was sitting, and she rushed out to get her kids.

So I was thinking that they’ll probably come through any minute now and was waiting for the typical screams, noises and sounds that kids make when they arrive home, but it was unusually quiet and they were taking their time!

So the wait went from 2 minutes, to 5 minutes and then to about 10 minutes… and I started wondering… how long does it take to get your kids off a bus and walk them through the front door? It was all kinda weird!

Eventually the front door swung open as I could see the top part of it from where I was sitting and I could hear some funny little shuffling sounds.

And it took another whole minute before the first kid appeared and I could finally see it... and that’s when my heart just totally sunk!

The kid used crutches and looked like it was a sufferer of Polio or something like that, and just when I thought I’d seen it all the second kid showed up and that too had the same or similar problem!

OMG... I thought to myself... how unfortunate! The extra handles and all the weird fittings in the house suddenly made perfect sense!

By now my girlfriend had also showed up and she attempted to introduce them to me but by now I was a total mess... it was too much for me to digest in an instant so I pulled the bravest face that I could and waved my hand, but I couldn’t even talk to say Hi!

I had never had to face so much shock in such a short period of time and I was just devastated, and when she realized I wasn’t OK she asked “Are you alright?” and I said “No... you could’ve prepared me a little, you could’ve spoken to me about the kids.”

And she was like “Oh, I’m sorry!” and that was it!

I know she was used to her unfortunate situation and all that, but for crying out loud if you’re gonna invite someone into your life then at least give them the important detail about your circumstances so they can at least prepare themselves a little!

The next day my mind had started wondering... how come we dated so much while you had two special needs kids... who was looking after them while we were having fun?

A lot was running through my mind... was it just me being too fussy or were these red flags?

I felt very sad, angry, confused and just unwell... and I never called her again!

Or was I just a coward running away from a difficult situation?

[Get Real!]

I dodged a bullet...

I’ve always had the habit of leaving my mobile phone on the kitchen island when leaving the house to do things; like shopping or whatever other chores need to be done.

I guess I don’t like to carry accessories and such when I’m busy... and besides, I can always call someone back if there’s a missed call... it’s not the end of the world anyway!

But my habit goes a little further sometimes... I may not even bother to answer the phone if I’m too far away and can barely hear it... I guess that’s laziness!

But let’s be honest... what could possibly be so urgent that you MUST answer the God-dammed phone?

Well in my case, it would have to be one of two things happening:

1. I’ve just won 20 billion dollars and the lottery commission is desperate to contact me to hand over that cheque!

OR

2. You’re a super-hot babe wearing a kinky outfit, and you desperately want to come over so that I may impregnate you!

None of which ever happen... so what’s the point of rushing to a phone then? Ha?

See? I’ve just proven to you beyond any reasonable doubt that nothing interesting ever happens as a result of answering the phone!

Alright... so having clarified my phone habit, imagine if you were to return home after such a short trip; say 30-40 minutes, only to find that you have 32 missed calls!

It’s like an entire football squad has been looking for you!

But imagine if upon further inspection you were to find that all 32 calls came from the same number!

Now *that* would be horror movie level scary... and that’s exactly what happened to me when I started dating a librarian-like high school teacher that worked at some private school.

And when I say “dating” we had only gone to a pub once and had a great evening over a bottle of wine, and when I walked her to her car because it was dark, she pulled me up to her face by the jacket with both hands and nearly bit my lips off; catching me completely off-guard, as I had no plans to kiss her that evening!

To be honest, after the date I hadn’t yet decided If I wanted to see her again so I didn’t call her for like two days... she wasn’t a bad gal but I wasn’t excited enough about her I suppose. That’s not to say that we weren’t gonna have a second date... it just wasn’t going to be immediate, at least those were my plans.

And that’s when she decided to take matters into her own hands!

I suppose two days without me calling was just too much for her, and at some stage she decided that talking with me there and then, was OBLIGATORY!!!

What’s that fancy word again?

OBLIGATORY!!!

COMPULSORY!!!

MANDATORY!!!

Do we have any other synonyms in case someone reading this still doesn’t get the forcefulness?

I don’t know where some people get such entitlement from, cos I’ve never called anyone in my life more than twice... it’s pointless persisting any further anyway!

So what did I do about it? Absolutely nothing!

After *that* many missed calls she couldn’t have raised a larger red flag, and I was convinced that she must've been a psychopath who couldn’t accept no for an answer!

So that evening I decided to go back to that same pub with some friends this time, because that’s the pub we would frequent... and that’s where I met her 2-3 days before the date when she was a new face there.

And lo and behold... she was THERE leaning against a column!

And as I made my way through the crowd to get to the bar... her head followed me like some security camera that had zoomed in on an offender!

And I didn’t want to exchange glances with her because I watched the movie “The Gorgon” and I knew exactly what happens to you when you look into the eyes of Medusa!

I was too young to die dammit... so I kept my composure even though I was crapping my pants as scenes from “Fatal Attraction” flooded my brain!

STOP PRESS!!

Nothing else happened! I was not attacked... I was not followed... and she never called me again!

So let’s stop dragging that lady into the mud any further, shall we?

She only raped my mobile phone and gave me the creeps, but...

I’m still convinced that thanks to my unusual phone habit I dodged a bullet!

Or maybe she's the one who dodged the bullet... one of the two anyway!

[Kikapu]

I’m really enjoying reading the “Confessions of GR’s Life” stories.

It may help many young people today in the “Art of Getting Laid” as they have become a recluse with their smart phones.

Keep it going, GR.

[Get Real!]

It may help many young people today in the “Art of Getting Laid” as they have become a recluse with their smart phones.

Indeed!

Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 hit "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" tells us all we need to know about what girls (14..20) are looking for, and it’s none other than...

FUN!

So if one masters the fine art of creating the FUN then the girls will want to be with them and follow them!

And in the sweet pink girly world... if you’re FUN you then become CUTE, and when you’re CUTE you are boyfriend material!

So, if you’re a youngster out there reading this message... there you have it!

That’s the “secret” to becoming desirable to girls!

[Get Real!]

The unwanted gift...

The setting of this story was a nice busy pub/grill house where myself and two friends had gone to one evening.

So the three of us stood chatting away in a triangular sort of formation, when I suddenly noticed that a woman that was sitting at a table about 4-5 meters away with two female friends, was desperately trying to get my attention.

I observed some funny hand gestures as if she was offering me something but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was... hell I wasn’t even sure at this stage if it was me she was trying to entice!

So at some stage and seemingly out of frustration, she stretched out her arm as she held this slender white thing with the tips of her fingers; that kinda looked like a tampon, and started whacking her arm on the table in my direction to entice me to come get it!

And I’m thinking... I don’t know what kind of stupid joke this is... but if she’s drunk and its some kind of tampon I’m gonna take it and drop it right in her drink!

So off I went to sort this matter out once and for all... but as I got closer I realised it was just a sugar stick!

To my relief I said... “Oh, thanks for the sugar but I’m drinking scotch!” ...as I held up my glass.

And she frustratingly goes... “No dummy! Take a good look at it!” ...and her two girlfriends burst out laughing!

So I took it off her and turned it back and forth until I noticed a name and number written across it with a pen!

Well that was pretty embarrassing!

“Oh, I’m sorry... so presumably you must be...” And I read the name out!

“Yes!” She verified!

“But why would you want to date a dummy?” I asked, with a little grin!

And she goes... “Oh Gawd, you’re impossible!” As she put her hands over her face!

And that’s the end of the funny part! We ended up dating for like 4-5 months until it all fizzled out!

Trivia: Decades later I’ve still got that sugar stick... although I emptied it as soon as I got home.

[Kikapu]

The unwanted gift...

The setting of this story was a nice busy pub/grill house where myself and two friends had gone to one evening.

So the three of us stood chatting away in a triangular sort of formation, when I suddenly noticed that a woman that was sitting at a table about 4-5 meters away with two female friends, was desperately trying to get my attention.

I observed some funny hand gestures as if she was offering me something but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was... hell I wasn’t even sure at this stage if it was me she was trying to entice!

So at some stage and seemingly out of frustration, she stretched out her arm as she held this slender white thing with the tips of her fingers; that kinda looked like a tampon, and started whacking her arm on the table in my direction to entice me to come get it!

And I’m thinking... I don’t know what kind of stupid joke this is... but if she’s drunk and its some kind of tampon I’m gonna take it and drop it right in her drink!

So off I went to sort this matter out once and for all... but as I got closer I realised it was just a sugar stick!

To my relief I said... “Oh, thanks for the sugar but I’m drinking scotch!” ...as I held up my glass.

And she frustratingly goes... “No dummy! Take a good look at it!” ...and her two girlfriends burst out laughing!

So I took it off her and turned it back and forth until I noticed a name and number written across it with a pen!

Well that was pretty embarrassing!

“Oh, I’m sorry... so presumably you must be...” And I read the name out!

“Yes!” She verified!

“But why would you want to date a dummy?” I asked, with a little grin!

And she goes... “Oh Gawd, you’re impossible!” As she put her hands over her face!

And that’s the end of the funny part! We ended up dating for like 4-5 months until it all fizzled out!

Trivia: Decades later I’ve still got that sugar stick... although I emptied it as soon as I got home.

Yes, women do dictate the tempo for dating with whom they want without being accused of sexual harassment or unwanted contact. Us guys are easy and willing to accept (within reason) such invitations, and the women know that all too well.

[Get Real!]

The enchanted forest...

Some of you may recall this story from a series I did some years ago which I think I called “the adventures of a techie” or something like that anyway, but I don’t feel I did that story the justice it deserved because I left out most of the emotion involved which was crucial... so here’s the take II as it should've been written:

One average morning a female colleague called my desk phone if I could come over to the reception as a customer had just brought in their laptop that had some issues, and who also wanted to have a chat with a technical person to highlight some technical matters.

So off I went and I came across a young woman approximately 30 years old, with the most angelic face I’d ever seen! My goodness... what a pretty sight!

And as she held out her hand and began to greet me, my eardrums were suddenly stimulated by the most feminine and alluring voice I’d ever heard!

By now the pleasant aroma of her perfume had also made its way into my nostrils adding yet another dimension to my ever increasing enchantment... and it was almost surreal!

She had an American accent, was very well spoken, confident... and she constantly emitted a wonderful aura that kept you fully engaged... it would've taken a bomb going off for me to take my eyes away from her!

But unfortunately, not all things on cruel planet Earth are perfect... for the absolute darling that stood before me; and had for a few seconds enslaved me in bewilderment, did have a flaw and it wasn’t a small one!

You see, from the shoulders down she was unfortunately quite obese... and although she had gone out of her way to present herself immaculately from tip to toe, some things you just cannot hide!

I guess it was this imperfection that my brain had finally processed, that allowed me to escape from the “enchanted forest” and back down to Earth again... so that I could conduct myself in the professional manner that was expected of me.

So as we finally sat across a desk and were going through PC related matters (or had tried to anyway) it didn’t take us long to click... as two articulate brains that had just discovered each other, had now embarked on a titillating tango of flirtatious interaction, at a level I had never experienced before... and with eye contact that was without interruption!

The experience was out of this planet, but we soon had to go our separate ways and she’d be back in about a week to collect her laptop... or just as soon as I would sort it out for the ball was literally in my court.

A few days later I was all done, and as I aimed to please and impress I had gone the extra length to perform extra tasks that would satisfy even the most demanding of customers!

And the gorgeous lady was soon back to collect her laptop and pay the company their dues, when she asked my colleague to see me again so I could take her through the work that had been performed.

And as we once again sat at that desk I found myself back in the “enchanted forest”, and by now I had gone on so many trips there that I was getting totally hooked to this place and considering applying for permanent residency!

Our interaction was once again magical... what a gorgeous woman I thought to myself, and what an alluring personality to match! If minds could make love, ours would go on forever!

And as I sat there in my state of nirvana conversing away, she slipped something into my palm which took me by surprise!

My first thought was... “Oh no! She’s tipping me!” ...as what was in my hand felt like folded money! (silly me)

So as she finally got up to leave the workshop with carry-bag in hand, I contemplated my options.

As she was making her way out of the building and headed for her car, I headed after her; although I had to go around and through another door to exit and thus took more time, so that I could give her back the money and thank her as I couldn’t accept tips!

But luckily I had a quick peek at what she had given me on the way and that’s when I felt pretty stupid because it turned out to be a folded piece of paper with her name and number written across it!

So I quickly made a 180 degree turn and right back into the workshop and luckily she didn’t see me!

By now the wonderful young lady was gone and she had taken the enchanted forest with her, and it was now up to me to decide if and when I could visit it again!

Later, as I thought about her I weighed up all the pros and cons:

What could possibly be sexier than a well cultivated and articulate mind that can engage in a wide range of stimulating conversations?

Such people are very rare and I found her titillating, so she was the absolute first person I’d want to endlessly flirt with over a nice chilled bottle of chardonnay and yet bizarrely... the last person I’d want to sleep with as I wasn’t attracted to her body.

My internal conflict was intense... as my wondering mind even toyed with the childish idea of cutting her head off and then sticking it on top of a matching gorgeous body and voila... at long last I’d have the perfect woman I longed for!

But I had to force myself back to reality for she was what she was as a complete package, and it was a “take it” or “leave it”... and the last thing I wanted was to hurt someone as special as her.

She was only a phone call away, and as incredibly tempting as it was to take her out for dinner and treat myself to an exciting session of her mesmerising “upper half”, her long-term feelings had to be prioritised!

For you simply cannot pick and choose which portions of a person you’re going to love while leaving the rest behind... and she so deserved to have someone special that would love her in her entirety.

Fare thee well beautiful guardian of the enchanted forest... for I will never forget you!

[Get Real!]

The little rag doll...

Sally was a sweet, white, plumb little girl with braided pony tails and freckles around her little nose as well as a few on her upper chubby cheeks, and I swear she looked like a cute little rag doll you’d find at a toy store!

Her mom dressed her in cute little mini dresses, and every day they had a different theme... sometimes there would be strawberries, sometimes flowers and sometimes random shapes, and from the first day I saw her I couldn’t come to grips how a living breathing rag doll came to be!

Consumed by the full-sized living doll my mind started to wonder... and perhaps a little inquisitive herself about the new boy in class, she and her friend Vanessa; who had blond curly hair, decided to follow me around whenever it was playtime!

They were often behind me giggling and laughing as I walked through corridors and whenever I’d turn to catch them in the act they’d hide behind corners and whatever else was close by, and if I’d ever run towards them they’d run in the opposite direction screaming and laughing until they’d disappear!

The girls drove me insane and I was often left frustrated... on the one hand I couldn’t understand why they’d follow me... although I was “secretly” glad they did because I liked to look at Sally and I couldn’t understand why... because after all boys were meant to “hate” girls, right?

It was all very confusing for me because I was actually having my first “crush” on a girl but being so young I couldn’t understand it at the time, and I got angry with myself thinking that there was something wrong with me!.

But what made things worse one day was when our teacher decided to join desks to form groups of fours, and the desk of the two “naughty” girls in front of us was now turned around and joined with mine and the boy who sat next to me!

And I freaked out because now Sally and I would be facing each other ALL DAY, seemingly to the two girl’s delight, so there would be no escape from this nightmare!

It didn’t take the girls long before they started giggling and exchanging little secrets with their little hands, and I just knew I was their main subject, so at some point I panicked and I suddenly got up, my chair falling over backwards, as I shouted at them to stop!

The teacher heard the commotion and came over to investigate and in the end concluded that I had to stop being mean to the little girls, and I was left shocked and totally confused by the outcome!

In time, the girls started talking to me instead of just giggling and fooling around and I liked them more than before, and by now I was getting used to liking a girl although I would never speak about it with anyone... it remained my secret!

It no longer felt like something was wrong with me because after all nothing bad had happened to me, and on one occasion when Sally stayed home sick it was my worse day at school... her little chair was empty... and upon her return the next day I was very relieved that things could return to normal again!

And sometimes Sally would catch me staring at her sweet little face and I would look away pretending to be doing something, but I too had caught her staring at mine a few times and she would then look away!

In time it became like a little game... we’d take turns in staring at each other and then looking away... maybe because we were “in love” even though we were only ten!

[Get Real!]

A crazy journey...

One time on my way to Cyprus, and as I boarded a plane from Australia to fly to KL in transit, I followed the seat numbers to find my spot... and lo and behold there was a gorgeous dark-looking babe sitting by the window!

This was the FIRST time I had ever landed a seat number right next to a gorgeous dark girl and I got really excited!

I wasted no time introducing myself and even ordered scotches for us to enjoy as we got along really well. She wasn’t a scotch drinker but she drunk it anyway!

I soon learned that she was returning home to the island of Mauritius during a break from her studies in Australia, and as we enjoyed our drinks and I fully entertained her, she was really loosening up!

We were barely an hour into the 7-8 hour flight when she started suggesting that I cancel my trip to Cyprus and just follow her to Mauritius!

And I must admit it was a very tempting proposal for she was a tropical island beauty like you rarely if ever come across, so I started asking some questions to see if it would be worth my time following her, and her story went something like this...

She lived with her parents and I would have to get a hotel room which wasn’t too far from her place because it’s a small island... and she would understandably have to spend some time with her parents before we would meet at the hotel, and we would go sight seeing etc... but she wouldn’t be able to sleep over at the hotel... WAIT, WHAT? ...err, by now it was starting to sound like a raw deal!

Such a sudden diversion and adventure would’ve cost me a LOT of money and Mauritius is not exactly a cheap place to be at... and she couldn’t exactly commit herself too much so I thought... bugger that!

So once we landed I gave her a big hug, a kiss on the cheek and a farewell!

Alright, so we finally landed in KL where I had an 8 hour transit delay and of course a lovely room right at the airport, so I had my shower, change of clothes and headed back to the airport’s dining area for something to eat.

Suddenly, I spotted a lone young Caucasian girl in her late 20s at a restaurant eating a burger and I went right over to her and chatted her up!

She had just landed from Japan on her way back to the States, and had to endure a 5-6 hour transit delay and was dead tired and would give anything for a shower... she revealed!

“Well this must be your lucky day then!” ...I said to her!

“Because I just so happen to have a wonderful room with a shower and everything, just around the corner here!” ...as I held up and swung the magic key!

“So how would you like to take a nice hot shower right now, and then maybe... we can cuddle up in one of the nice comfy beds!”

I savagely proposed!

It took her about two seconds to reply with a... “Yeah, OK!”

And off we went... and it was as simple as that!

I had to make up for the lost Mauritius babe and although this one was nowhere near a direct replacement, she had to make do!

Alright, so the girl had her shower and came out wrapped in one of the white hotel bath-towels and she got comfortable on the bed.

She was a little short, a typical tree huger, the “make love not war” kind, a little hairy, and had big tits!

She was a little slow to motivate but we finally got there and we had a good time... she even fell asleep for a couple of hours and I woke her up as her time to depart had approached.

I kissed her goodbye and we hugged before she left, knowing that we would never see each other again and that we hadn’t even bothered to ask each other’s names even!

Ah well, it was mission accomplished and I was soon back on my next transit flight to Milano!

I had a few transit hours to explore here also so I took the double-decker train to the city but nothing interesting happened other than meeting some hippies at the beautiful park across from the train station, who offered me weed as they played some weird music with their even more weird instruments!

They did have some hippy girls with them but I wasn’t tempted to chat them up because personal hygiene didn’t seem like their strong point!

Anyways, I was glad to get out of there as I finally boarded the Cyprus Airways plane to Larnaca!

The plane was barely half-full and I was very happy to meet the gorgeous Cypriot air hostesses, and I didn’t waste any time cracking onto them!

At some stage the girls took me back to the little kitchen area and we smoked a couple of cigarettes as I watched with fascination that weird little suction sink swallow up our streams of smoke, as we joked around!

But I had also met a Cypriot student who was now returning home from her studies in Milano and we soon hit it off... and we had already planned a date for that evening and I remember thinking:

“Damn... I haven’t even landed in Cyprus yet and I’ve already got a date lined up!”

It was quite funny, but as fate would have it that date would never come to pass... for once we landed in Larnaca that poor girl’s luggage hadn’t followed her home, and she was fuming going back and forth trying to arrange for her stuff to come find her, so I had to let her be... suddenly she had too much on her plate to worry about some guy she had just met!

I guess it wasn’t meant to be... but it was nothing to worry about because new adventures awaited me in Cyprus, in one way or another guaranteed!